Known by various monikers – ‘stream infidelity’, ‘binge-watching disloyalty’ or ‘Netflix deceit’ – occurs when your significant other dares to view a series or film you had agreed to watch together, solo. It might seem trivial, but in the landscape of contemporary relationships, such actions can challenge even the most enduring partnerships. For Emily Wilbanks, a nurse based in Houston, this ‘sneak watching’ kills the joy of shared viewing. ‘Shows serve as a relaxation method and a bonding exercise for us’, she said. ‘Watching a show solo removes the fun and happiness from it. It’s like, why even bother?’
Coming from Boston, Cary Chandler, a librarian and graduate student, has, surprisingly, been both a perpetrator and a victim of this offense. To her, watching a quality TV show with her partner means spending quality time, which she considers as one of her love languages. Being a ‘Netflix cheat’ is a conscious act she knows to be implicitly taboo in her relationship. ‘If my partner and I quarrel, I may sneak ahead to the next Severance episode and confess my transgression the following day, fully aware of the disappointment she’ll feel,’ she admitted.
One couple, Meghan Miles and Aaron Downs from New York, have established their unique mechanism to tackle binge-watching disloyalty. ‘Mutual viewing is strongly encouraged for our shows’, claimed Miles. ‘The most amazing feeling is having a shared show to enjoy after a long day. Honestly, the magic disappears if I discover he moved on to a new episode by himself, possibly leading to a light-hearted disagreement.’
‘The experience is less exceptional,’ Downs voiced his opinion about deciding to watch solo, ‘There is a trust involved. Binge-watching is an activity that brings us closer. It’s a medium through which we connect and discuss the show while sharing the experience.’
What causes such reactions to be so visceral? Dr. Frankie Bashan, a certified sex therapist and clinical psychologist, clarified that the emotional response associated with stream infidelity is less about the show’s content and more about its symbolic implications. She said, ‘It feels like a betrayal because it is a shared, in-the-moment experience where you connect with one another while discussing ongoing events. It provides a space for meaningful connection.’
Given our ever-connected, tech-laden lives that can potentially pull us in countless directions, ‘sacred quality time’ with your loved ones gains utmost importance, Bashan noted. She explained, ‘It’s partially about setting boundaries. Depending on the attachment style, skipping ahead episodes can trigger feelings such as anxiety and fear of rejection or abandonment.’
Relationship expert Sabrina Zohar concurs, emphasizing that these emotions often go beyond the series or movie itself. However, the reactions can vary among people. ‘For some, it’s trivial,’ she observed. ‘They might say, ‘It doesn’t matter, darling. Feel free to watch it on your own,’ thereby granting their partner the freedom to proceed. Others believe that being faithful involves ‘mutual respect and maintaining these tiny bids for connection.’
Interestingly, there’s a scientific explanation behind the sense of betrayal resulting from ‘sneak watching’. According to Bashan, viewing a show with your significant other triggers the release of neurotransmitters such as dopamine, norepinephrine and oxytocin, the chemicals responsible for pleasure, bonding and trust. ‘There’s a chemical secretions involved and hence, biophysical changes are happening in the brain’, she explained. ‘Considering the alarming circumstances surrounding us these days, we seek more of this sensation because it’s comforting, safe and love-filled.’
The abundance of streaming services and digital applications today makes it feasible to secretly watch shows without your partner, effecting essential bonding moments, as explained by Zohar. In contrast, watching shows was a scheduled weekly family event a few decades ago, where every member had no other option than joining due to a single TV set in the household. Modern couples, however, can binge-watch at any time on their multiple devices. ‘Back in the day, it was a family event to look forward to. Everyone would gather on the couch for the broadcast, you had no other choice since there was just one TV’, said Zohar. ‘We have streaming platforms and an overabundance of content to access anytime now, just exaggerating the issue.’
While exact figures are hard to come by, a 2017 worldwide survey revealed that out of 30,267 surveyed U.S. couples, 48% confessed about streaming infidelity – a drastic increase from merely 12% in 2013, the early days of binge-watching. Furthermore, 36% never confessed, and close to half of the culprits (48%) were repeat offenders. A 2023 survey found out that out of 1,000 American co-habitants, 38% would be upset if their partner moved ahead with a shared show. Among the offenders, 58.9% admitted their transgression and rewatched the episode with their significant other, while 18.6% chose to feign innocence and secretly rewatched.
To avoid the emotional punch of streaming infidelity, Zohar recommends establishing a clear boundary. ‘I ask my partner to clarify which shows I should not watch during my leisurely binge time’, she said. ‘He may tell me, ‘Enjoy your murder mysteries, but leave this and this for us.’ And I respect that.’
Putting TV shows aside, stream cheating essentially pertains to connection, Zohar believes. ‘Ultimately, it’s about: Do you understand, respect and consider me in decisions?’ she mused. Bashan emphasized the need for flexible perspective. ‘What happens if your partner is unchangeable?’ she queried, ‘Maybe we need to let them be, revisit the situation, or find alternative shared activities that work better for both.’
Zohar highlights that setting boundaries and respecting shared rituals reinforces relationships. She advises voicing your concerns, ‘Begin with an ‘I’ statement, like, ‘I know it’s just a show to you, but I really enjoy our joint watching. It’s something we both cherish. Can we maintain this?’